It’s difficult for separated or divorced parents to hear their child say, “I don’t want to go.”
A child’s resistance to parenting time can leave parents wondering what they’re legally required to do. Can a parent force a teenager into the car? Can a child just refuse to go? What happens when one parent believes the other parent is encouraging the child’s refusal?
Colorado’s Court of Appeals addressed an important part of this issue in In re: Marriage of Dean & Cook, 2017 COA 51. The case provides an important framework for understanding what’s expected of parents when a child resists parenting time, and what the court can and cannot require parents to do.
What Is the “Resist/Refuse” Dynamic?
In family law, “resist” and “refuse” describe situations in which a child doesn’t want to participate in court-ordered parenting time. While the terms are similar, the distinction matters.
A child may resist parenting time by expressing reluctance, anxiety, frustration, or a desire to remain with the other parent. That resistance doesn’t necessarily mean that either parent has violated a parenting-time order.
A refusal, by contrast, may involve a child actively declining to participate in parenting time despite a parent's efforts to facilitate the scheduled time.
The difficult question becomes: What is the parent supposed to do when the child says no?
That is where Dean provides important guidance.
What Happened in In re Marriage of Dean?
In Dean, the parents had divorced, and the mother was the primary residential parent. The parties eventually had a court-ordered parenting-time arrangement for the father.
Their teenage children didn’t consistently want to participate in parenting time with their father. The mother was ultimately found in contempt and ordered to impose specific consequences on her children if they failed to attend parenting time. Those consequences included taking away privileges like television, music, friends, cell phones, tablets, and computers.
However, the Colorado Court of Appeals concluded that while a parent can’t violate parenting time or thwart their co-parent's parenting time, the court can’t dictate the specific disciplinary methods a parent must use.
What Are Parents Required To Do?
Parents are required to make “reasonable good faith efforts” to get their child to participate in parenting time. They can’t just say, “Well, my child doesn’t want to go, so there’s nothing I can do.”
The court can’t tell a parent how to get their child to participate, but both parents must make reasonable efforts to support and facilitate court-ordered parenting time.
What Does “Reasonable Good Faith Efforts” Mean?
There’s no checklist of what parents must do when children resist parenting time, but parents making “reasonable good faith efforts” should be able to demonstrate that they’re actively supporting parenting time as best they can.
That could mean:
Communicating positively and appropriately about the other parent.
Reminding the child about the parenting-time schedule.
Encouraging the child to attend scheduled parenting time.
Avoiding statements or behaviors that suggest the child should refuse to go.
Making reasonable preparations for the scheduled exchange.
Communicating with the other parent about any issues that come up.
Documenting significant issues surrounding missed or resisted parenting time.
Seeking appropriate professional assistance when necessary.
The key issue is whether a parent is acting in good faith to support parenting time rather than passively—or actively—allowing the relationship to break down.
What Can’t Parents Do?
On the other side, parents shouldn’t encourage their children to reject their co-parents or create obstacles to prevent parenting time. Telling your child that you understand they don’t want to go is fine—but telling them they can skip any time they’re upset probably isn’t.
Colorado law gives courts authority to address violations of parenting-time orders through additional conditions, makeup parenting time, counseling or education, contempt, fines, and other orders to promote children’s best interests.
Do Children’s Preferences Matter?
Children’s preferences matter, but saying they don’t want to visit a parent doesn’t automatically change the parenting schedule. A child’s preference is just one factor under the statute.
Until a court modifies the existing order, parents generally need to follow the parenting-time order currently in place.
If a child’s resistance is persistent, parents may need to address the underlying issue that’s keeping them from wanting to participate.
Parents might want to consider questions like:
Is the child feeling anxious about transitions?
Is there conflict between the parents?
Has the child witnessed or experienced conflict?
Is the child reacting to a change in the family structure?
Is one parent consciously or unconsciously reinforcing resistance?
Are there legitimate safety or well-being concerns?
Would counseling or another professional intervention be helpful?
The answers matter for both the child’s well-being and deciding the best legal next steps.
What About the Parent Who Is Being Refused?
The parent who is missing parenting time might understandably feel powerless, frustrated, or mistreated. However, repeatedly demanding that the other parent “make” a child participate won’t resolve the underlying problem. In some circumstances, escalating conflict between the parents can actually make the child's resistance worse.
Instead, the parent may want to focus on creating a record of their efforts to exercise parenting time, communicating appropriately with their co-parent, and addressing the issue through the appropriate legal process when necessary.
If a parent believes the other parent is actively interfering with parenting time, that’s a different legal issue than a child resisting the schedule on their own.
What Dean Means for Colorado Parents
Dean establishes an important balance: parents are expected to make reasonable, good-faith efforts to facilitate court-ordered parenting time, but the court can’t necessarily dictate the specific disciplinary methods a parent needs to use.
When a child resists parenting time, parents should approach the situation carefully. Parents should avoid undermining their co-parent's relationship with the child, document everything, communicate appropriately, and seek legal guidance when needed.
In this situation, we encourage parents to consider intervention outside litigation because we need to treat the problem, not punish the result.
Need Help With a Parenting-Time Dispute?
If your child is refusing parenting time, or you believe the other parent is interfering with your court-ordered parenting time, you need compassionate, knowledgeable legal support. Thrive Family Law can help you understand your existing parenting plan, your obligations under Colorado law, and your options going forward.
Ready to get started? Reach out today!
