How To Co-Parent During & After Divorce
When considering divorce, the well-being of children is often a top concern. Divorcing couples worry about how to explain divorce to their child, what impacts it will have, and how they can make the process as smooth as possible.
How does divorce impact children?
The impacts of divorce depend on the circumstances. Children may respond to divorce differently at different ages. They may also respond differently to a contentious divorce than an amicable one. Ultimately, it’s tough to predict how divorce may impact your child.
Some common impacts of divorce include:
Poor school performance
Emotional sensitivity or reactivity
Feelings of guilt, anger, or irritability
Increase in health problems caused by stress
The upheaval caused by divorce may leave your child distracted, overwhelmed, or frustrated. While family support, therapy, and other interventions can help, some children will just need time to process the change.
How do I explain divorce to my children?
The idea of divorce can be stressful and frightening for kids. Even if they’re old enough to understand divorce, the uncertainty that comes with the change still may be difficult. If your child is really struggling, we recommend seeking therapeutic advice before proceeding with the conversation.
Keep it simple. Your child doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of your marriage. Your explanation can be as simple as “We have decided it would be best if we weren’t married anymore.”
Emphasize that it has nothing to do with them. Make sure they know that divorce is an issue between adults and that they did nothing wrong.
Avoid blame. While honesty is important, your child shouldn’t feel pressured to choose between you and your spouse. Focus on the details most relevant to your child and avoid anything that places blame.
Talk about the big changes. Don’t overwhelm them with details, but share any big changes that will be happening, like living arrangements during the divorce.
Leave room for questions and ongoing conversations. Your child will have questions, either during your initial conversation or later. Let them know that you’re always there to talk.
How do I co-parent effectively during and after a divorce?
Good co-parenting can help to minimize negative impacts of divorce on your child. In a healthy co-parenting relationship, you and your co-parent will focus your attention on your child’s wellbeing, communicate well, and present a united front with your child whenever possible.
Here’s what you should keep in mind when it comes to co-parenting:
Set aside your feelings about your ex-spouse. Co-parenting isn’t about your relationship with your co-parent; it’s about your shared relationship with your child. While it can be difficult, do your best to set aside any anger, resentment, or frustration with your co-parent.
Keep an open line of communication. Immediately after the divorce, the last thing you may want to do is speak to your ex-spouse. However, when your child is involved, it’s crucial that you communicate. Meet regularly to discuss your co-parenting arrangement and how your child is handling this big life change.
Be as consistent as possible. While two separate households will always operate differently, try to keep your child’s life as consistent as possible. Work with your co-parent to determine key rules, such as curfew, and discipline techniques. If possible, it’s also helpful to keep your child on a consistent schedule between households. This will make life less stressful for your child, as they don’t have to worry about memorizing separate rules and expectations for each home.
Reduce stress and anxiety around visitation. Moving back and forth between two homes can be hard on your child. Develop routines to make this process easier, such as packing their bag the night before or making the same meal before they leave. You should also purchase the essentials for both homes, such as clothes and hygiene items, so that your child doesn’t have to worry about forgetting to pack something essential. Also, remember that your child does not care who purchased what item; they just want their favorite shirt or stuffie, so let them take their stuff between homes. Fighting over stuff is not helpful to your child.
While divorce is never easy, you can reduce the impact it has on your child with good co-parenting.
If you’re navigating divorce or child custody issues, we’re here to help. Reach out today to get started.
